I am focused on my body in a new, healthy way now.
I hated my body for most of my life and was not kind in the way I cared for it.
I researched natural health, and learned how to implement a more holistic way of living, eating and moving. I found myself desiring to care for the body God created and blessed me with in the way He intended me to.
In doing so, my body became stronger than ever before. Lifting weights, eating the foods God intended for our bodies, teaching Holy Yoga® multiple times a week…it all seemed great, except my traps were locked up.
This started causing migraines and constant tension and pain right between my shoulder blades, all the way up to my skull. This continued for around six months. I worked on my form in weightlifting and yoga. I also tried therapy, massage and dry needling.
No matter what I did, my traps just wouldn’t release. I eventually resigned to living with tight traps.
A few months ago, I was traveling with friends to emcee for the Holy Yoga Experience and there was a Holy Yoga Touch Training happening the day before. Having taken Touch Training previously, I attended to help the instructor and act as a body demo. I thought I was there to serve, not receive, but I should have known…Jesus had other plans.
I was in a room full of strangers who quickly became friends. One sweet soul in particular seemed like a kindred spirit the moment I met her. I felt as though I had always known her.
The training was a great time of learning and community. The heart transforming process of training and teaching students to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit was imperative for what was to follow the next day. A great work was about to begin in my innermost being.
Fast forward to the next day at the Holy Yoga Experience. I was the emcee in another room full of strangers. I was nervous, to say the least. Near the end of gentle flow, at the latter part of the day, I was standing at the front getting ready to speak again as the students were still in the final rest pose. My new friend from the previous day, who knew nothing about my locked-up traps, slid up alongside me gracefully.
Responding to the nudge of the Holy Spirit, she gently laid her hand right between my shoulder blades and I felt a soft warmth. As I stood with my eyes closed, her palm pressure lifted and just the tops of her fingers were touching my traps lightly. With only the soft music playing, I heard in my head “I am going to heal this.” And then I felt her hand rest fully upon my back again before it slid down behind my heart. As this happened, I heard throughout my being, “but first I will heal your heart.”
I tried to stifle the tears and confusion as I stepped forward to proceed with speaking to the room. As we headed home and I replayed what happened with the friends accompanying me on the road trip, it occurred to me that I really didn’t know what it meant. This meaning would be revealed to me over the next few weeks as I continued in prayer, asking for clarity and revelation regarding what needed healing in my heart. God is faithful to answer in His timing, giving us what we need when we are ready for it.
Phillipians 1:6 – He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.
A few weeks later as I was preparing for another endeavor, I felt a soft nudge to look at how I felt toward myself. The phrase “let go” kept coming up over and over in everyday life. I recognized that I was feeling guilt and shame. Over twenty years had passed since my two miscarriages and yet, I was still blaming myself. I confided in a friend and asked her how I was supposed to let go of the guilt. She had no answer for me. I felt disappointed and still confused. Just as I had resigned to living with tight traps, I resigned to carrying the guilt of my miscarriages always.
The following week after one of my classes, a friend, who had also taken Touch Training, asked if I could stay after to review and practice technique. As I lay on the mat and she was touching my shoulder, she came to that place of tightness behind my heart and said, “Wow, you really need to let go.” She asked if I knew what I was holding, and a tear slid out of my closed eye. I responded a quiet ”yes”. But I told her I didn’t know how to let it go. She asked me if I wanted to share, but assured me there was no pressure either way, she would still pray with me. I opened my mouth and was surprised to hear myself say that I needed to forgive myself, but I wasn’t ready to. My dear friend quoted scripture over me.
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.” Romans 8:1-2.
She encouraged me to release whatever it was that I was holding onto. She explained that God had forgiven me, and that by not forgiving myself, I was making myself bigger than God in my heart. She prayed that the Lord would open the eyes of my heart to see myself as He does. I explained to her that I was still angry. She asked me if I wanted to talk about it.
I slowly sat up and turned to face her. I told her that I wanted to talk to her – the old me.
The girl who abused her body with an eating disorder, which in turn caused hormonal imbalances and was the reason that two of my children are not present with our family today. My friend calmly said, “Ok, then talk to her.” As I gazed beside me to a wall, I spoke to her. “How dare you! How dare you disrespect the magnificent body that God gave you. You caused harm not only to yourself, but to the beautiful children of your future.” As I spoke and released the feeling that had been pent up for what felt like eons, something supernatural happened.
The very moment the words started to leave my mouth, as I was still speaking, a vision was happening within my mind. There was a sheer grey veil, almost like a screen, that swayed softly at first, then raised slowly like a theatre curtain. When it lifted, I saw her, but through His eyes this time. I started speaking, between muffled messy sobs, what I was seeing out loud to my friend.
“I see her now. She is broken on the inside because of the attacks of the enemy. She is damaged and hurting. The enemy is using her injuries against her mind. The enemy is trying to burn her to ashes, and she is burned, crumbling, dry and now dust. Now I see the Father’s hands, tenderly reaching down, gathering the dust, scooping it all up, every grain. He presses them all together, squeezes them tightly, compressing and heating, and He moves them away, and over time lifts them up. Then He opens His hands, and the ashes have become something new, bright, white and gleaming: a statue shining with the radiance of His glory.”
That very instant, I felt release. I felt a new compassion for her, the old me who was broken by the enemy. The heavy guilt and shame were no more, and the tension I had carried for decades was gone. You see, the very thing that the enemy was using to destroy me, was going to be used in a different way. To reveal the glory of God and the power of forgiveness through His eyes. The creator of all things was compassionate enough to forgive, restore and rebuild. I am new. She is forgiven. He was with her then, and He knew then what she would be now. He is just to forgive. Can you see yourself with His eyes today?
“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9.
Do not be resigned to carry something He has authority over! You are forgiven! I am grateful for the measure of blessings that have impacted my life due to the insight received through the Holy Yoga Touch Training.
~ April Luna
P.S. My traps released that day, and freedom reigns!!! Hallelujah!